I own several ancient artifacts, remnants of creatures long dead to remind me of the futility of life. I decided to share some of these things with you today, mostly because I am creatively impotent and cannot think of a single fucking thing to write about today. The pictures are poorly lit and out of focus. Enjoy them!
Invertebrates of the sea, the most common of fossils. Here is a fossilized clam (giggidy), a nautilus, and a trilobite. They represent the bottom of the food chain of their time, like hillbillies of the vast oceans.
This beautiful phallus is a petrified sperm whale's tooth. It measures about six inches long and is rock hard. Just like me.
Here I have an ancient piece of walrus ivory, the vampire sow of the north. Did you know a walrus has a bone in it's dick? Fact.
Now we move into the crown jewels of my fossil collection, coprolites. To the non-fecophiles among us, this is petrified shit. This one is cut and polished dinosaur poop, from some unidentified herbivore. I bet it tastes like pudding.
This is a random piece of mammal shit. Just imagine the steaming orifice that pushed this baby out all those years ago. The color is amazing, looking good enough to eat.
This is a hardened ball of shit from some plains-dwelling herd animal of North America. This one is strange because it is incredibly dense and to the touch it seems to be made of some kind of lightweight metal. Fascinating.
And the final piece in my collection, pride of my many shits, is this grizzled dandy. This fine specimen was gifted to me by none other than Mr. and Mrs. Terlet when they were traveling through the desert on one of their many adventures. Where most of my turds were preserved in wet or temperate climates, this one bears all the marking of desert life. I sure hope the rigid barbs of concrete pain weren't there when the poor bastard squeezed it out. We are not sure the origin of this poop, but judging by the familiar shape I can only hope it was human.
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