Happy Memorial Day!

Thank shit it’s finally memorial day! I have been waiting for months to get the opportunity to appreciate the sacrifices and efforts of this country’s military by calling over a bunch of friends, getting shitfaced, and cooking meat over coals in my back yard. My grandfather once told me that pretty much the only thing that keeps him getting up every morning after all these years is the thought that his brother bled out in a field in Vietnam so I could get an extra day off of work to force feed myself processed cheese once a year. So I consider it a duty of mine to make sure that sacrifice does not go unappreciated by drinking enough beer to make my piss run clear, and eat enough protein to make my shit the consistency of stale whole-grain bread.

Yessir, many americans laid their life on the line eagerly in exchange for promises of being buried under nondescript, identical headstones in graveyards that receive annual plastic flags and flowers, secure in the knowledge that their families might even remember them from time to time and head down to the cemetery to explain what the name on the cross means to their children. And who can blame the kids for being pissed off that they can’t play the nintendo DS for a half hour while the family weeps over a chiseled rock? Our soldiers died so that the worst suffering that kid would know would be having to wear something other than a t-shirt and sweatpants for a few hours on a day other than sunday.

And I think we can all feel warm hearted about how the corporate entities in our country put aside profits on this weekend, and in reverence for our fallen soldiers decide to dramatically slash prices on everything from cars to kitty litter. I know that personally I will remember those in my family that fought and died for freedom every time that I hear my cat scratching away in the litter box after taking a sizable, patriotic feline shit. I was watching one hell of a NASCAR race this weekend when I saw a commercial for a gun shop that can apply an american flag graphic FOR FREE to any rifle with a synthetic stock that is purchased through the end of memorial day, and I fucking cried like the day Earnhardt hit the wall.

So before you go to bed tonight to sleep off the liquor and grilled beef, make sure you look around you at the world we live in and appreciate those that made it all possible. And if anything is worth choking to death on your own blood in a foreign country, it’s watching the new season premier of "The Bachelorette" on this glorious holiday.

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