Here at Abstinence Only University we apply the concepts embraced by Missouri public schools to provide the nation's first sociologically and scientifically hostile higher learning environment. If accepted, you scholarly experience begins with the mandatory wool and burlap uniforms and luxurious segregated dormitories, where you will enjoy a living space bereft of sexual temptation. But it doesn't stop there! We offer some of the most wholesome theologian-approved curriculum available in the bible belt!
Come join "professor" Diane Watkins as she explains the economic concepts of supply and demand through the lens of fundamental and righteous gender inequality. Learn how a woman's inherent lack of intellectual aptitude drives the world economy and how Jesus calls for male dominance to ensure fruitful capitalist prosperity until the second coming!
Discover how touching your genitals for any reason other than bathing could be responsible for the decline and eventual collapse of the American empire, just as it was for the historic doomed empires of the Ottomans and Romans! And take in the refreshing historical teachings that show us how personal sexual shame can benefit human civilization for generations to come at one of our acclaimed* lectures by notable author Norman Gregory.
Or is social studies more your thing? Perhaps you could sign up for Sociology 101 with Dr. Spencer Watson and experience the worldwide revolution in feminine empowerment by the adoption of ancient cultural traditions in the middle east, where fashion designers are "taking back the burkha" and making it a symbol of pride for western women today!
And for the inquisitive child in all of us there is a robust curriculum of natural science courses to demonstrate divine wrath for those that presume to understand the ways of God through observation of dangerous chemical reactions and exposure to radioactivity. Come learn how viewing the heavens through a telescope is the moral equivalent of a peeping tom staring lustfully through the keyhole of God's creation, and how piety can lead to intellectual truth!
So take the plunge and join us in training a new generation to fill America's future businesses with an army of righteous businessmen, politicians, and technicians that have an understanding grounded in respect for God's natural law, and steeped in a deep personal sexual shame. Our supporters are touting us as "A heavy-handed approach to integrating theological dogma into secular teachings" and "A dangerous regression into fostering contempt for scientific advancement." Degree not included.
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