The Merriest Christmas

HO-HO-HO... Motherfuckers!

Hot damn! What a merry fucking christmas we had this year! The holiday spirit was in full effect, with only a few minor setbacks to the traditional american cheer and goodwill. On the good side, I got everything I wanted and those I love were genuinely moved by my thoughtful and generous gifts. But on the bad side... well, it looks like our president is still in a dick measuring competition with congress that will likely lead us to another credit downgrade, and dozens were murdered in unprecedented acts of terror and cruelty.

I know we should just learn to take the good along with the bad, and I am the type of guy that can see the silver lining in almost any mass killing, but even I choke on the stench of feces when it is close enough for the steam to fog up my glasses. And as an american gun owner (I own a handgun. And a rifle. Okay, it's a semi-automatic rifle. Maybe it looks a little menacing... Alright. It's a fucking AK-74. Full disclosure here.) I am pissed off at the assholes that put my choice to own firearms at risk. They act totally irresponsibly, scare the shit out of the general populace, and make all gun owners look like crazy maniacs. And I'm not talking about the kid that shot up an elementary school, or the nutcase that just killed two firefighters in New York. I'm talking about the NRA spokesperson Wayne LaPierre and the ambulance chasing media.

For the week after the massacre that killed dozens of schoolchildren there was little you could do to escape the media coverage. For fucks sake, I watched a reporter interview a FIVE YEAR OLD that witnessed the killings just a few HOURS after the crime. "Do you remember where the gunfire was coming from, Billy? Did you see any bodies?! Did little Suzy have a sucking chest wound?" Real classy. And what is the response from the NRA about all this madness? Surely they tried to redirect the focus of the argument towards the failings of our mental health infrastructure, or the aptitude for our culture to disregard mental illness as mere eccentricity or perceived weakness, leading those that need help to avoid it for fear of being stigmatized.

Nope. They lead off with the suggestion that we start taking volunteers from within our random, shit-kicking, gun enthusiast populace to stand guard in our public schools with their boom stick of choice. Yeah. That might work. The obvious flaw in this logic is that the LAST person that you should give authority to walk the hallways of our elementary schools armed to the teeth is anyone that would enthusiastically volunteer for the job. So why not cops? Oh yeah, I forgot. The NRA is a conservative organization and any suggestion that might lead to an increase in the tax burden would get you tarred and feathered in their world.

So what's the answer? In my humble opinion the NRA should take every public opportunity to condemn gun violence in all forms, and stop pretending that every asshole with a piece is really just a superhero in waiting, ready to leap to action in their community's time of need and slay the monsters that plague them. And the media needs to report these mass killings from a more practical and responsible mindset instead of turning every sadist coward that tries to kill as many people as he can before shooting himself so as to avoid any consequence whatsoever into an instant celebrity. But that will never happen, so I guess I will have to move to some country that is progressive, pleasant, and free of these kinds of mass shootings by loner psychos. Like Norway. Wait... Fuck.


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