Colon Health Now!

Do you have headaches, stiffness in the neck and shoulders, or problems sleeping?  Are you occasionally stricken with diarrhea or loose stool?  Does your skin discolor in direct sunlight?  Then you are in need of immediate colon health intervention.

I am Dr. Genki Imoru and I am here to solve you minor and severe ailments with a slightly invasive but pain-free colon inspection.  I have the magic fingers that have been proven to diagnose and resolve many conditions that may or may not be related to your colorectal health, from nearsightedness to vericose veins.

These magic digits have been inside athletes, movie stars, and even presidents!  And the best part is that even if I am unable to resolve your minor discomforts, you will be treated to a stress-free procedure that includes mood music and lighting, engaging small talk, and a pleasant, welcoming smile throughout.  And all in the relaxing comfort of my well-furnished living room!

And although several of my patients would gladly pay top-dollar for my intimate colon treatments, I generously offer my services COMPLETELY FREE OF CHARGE!  That's right, you can receive a cutting-edge medical procedure from one of the nation's foremost recognized authorities on anal fondling for just the cost of a little of your time and dignity.

And before you jump to any conclusions about my motivations, let me assure you that my only interest in your backside is entirely for the analysis and documentation of the full range of human colorectal health.  Naturally this will require a thorough photographic assessment of the area in and around your anus, so you may want to bring some sunglasses to minimize discomfort from the rather excessive lighting required to properly document each patient.

So don't delay!  Email me at popularirony@gmail.com for a quick and courteous response, because appointment slots are filling up fast, and you don't need to go another day without the relief that a good fingering can provide!

(The use of the title "doctor" is intended as a term of endearment only.  Mr. Imoru has never attended any institution of medical learning, been certified in any way, or served in a medical apprenticeship.  Mr. Imoru is required by law to inform all viewers of this advertisement that he is currently a registered sex offender in the states of California, Nevada, and New Hampshire.)