This will be my
first attempt to produce content within the highly esteemed Popular Irony Blog.
I feel it is my duty to point out that Hamtackle and Terlet are two of my
closest friends and I hate them as much as I love them. I am also obligated to
point out that my specialty will involve workplace situations, scientific
studies, sports, and sexual encounters. I am no good at visuals/art/fuck Terlet
(for being so good at them), and will rarely include visual aides. And I will
never talk politics or chain sawing heads off; I’ll leave that to our venerated
Hamtackle. He is also a master of the written language and I cannot hope to
compete with his take on the world. I hope you enjoy.
Your first duty as
a professional is to establish a strong first impression with your coworkers. I
have found that the more preposterous or ridiculous it is the better. I must
also point out that many of these situations involve both sexes, as to lend to
the credibility of the actual results. The following are examples of some such exchanges
that may help break the ice. Use at your own risk.
“The
Disturber”
I have applied
this technique with all types of coworker from dishwashers to general managers.
It involves the placement of your entire hand at the base of the leg at the
Achilles tendon. You forcefully wrap your hand around the base of the leg and
slowly and gently caress your way up the calf terminating at the end of the
hamstring or the base of the buttock. You can take it much further if need be.
The goal of this exercise is to leave the coworker effectively “disturbed.” The
typical reaction is usually of a “oh my god” or “what the fuck are you doing to
my leg” temperament. One attractive young woman actually took my hand and
placed it upon her breast and we commenced kissing, which turned into coitus
later that evening. She turned out to be my future ex-fiancé so I highly
recommend caution when using this technique.
“The
Violator”
This
technique is much more subtle and if pulled off properly will leave the most of
an enduring impression. It is pulled off as follows; make sure you are looking
your coworker dead in the eye and slowly take your hand palm face up and apply
your four digits less you thumb to the bottom of their stomach. Slowly and very
measurably, but not too deliberate as they will almost certainly pull away or
throw a punch, caress your digits upwards all while staring them in the eye.
This will make for a most discomfited finish when they are either staring at
you with menace or desire. The characteristic response for this is usually
urgent withdrawal because they consider the idea you may be going for their
genitals. It is best to coax them into a false sense of security and then
proceed with the prescribed procedure.
“The
Lingerer”
The
lingerer is my preferred method because it has a real staying power for and
with the individual it is performed on. It is essentially a more rough and
desperate version of The Disturber. You forcefully grab the Achilles and
effectively rape their leg the entire way up and across the buttocks and then
back down the other leg in a horseshoe fashion terminating at the other
Achilles. The effect is a “lingering discomfort” for the individual. This
technique is to be used with the utmost discretion and care as it may and will
eventually get you fired. Several cases where this method has been applied
resulted in laughter and grandiose praise from the recipient. Let me point out
that this man would also try to figure out ways to get me to look at his
“Jacob’s Ladder” piercing on his penis. I feel these incidents must be thrown
out on point of perversion from both parties involved.
“Terlet’s
Rage 1 and 2”
#1
There are actually two versions of
this very effective and rewarding exercise. The first involves a young Terlet
as a waiter in a casual/fine dining restaurant along with a gentleman whom we
will call “Phat” and me. Phat or I would walk past Terlet whilst Terlet would
be taking an order. When out of sight from the people at the table and behind
Terlet, we would pinch his “handlebar” fat and twist as hard as we could and
walk away calmly. The hilarity would ensue when he was done with his table and
seek one of us out and actually throw punches. The reward for us was so very
sweet though because we knew no matter how much discomfort and rage he felt at
that instant, he could do nothing but take it like a bitch. We were in total
control at that moment. An eruption while taking an order at a table would be a
death sentence for him as our owner had the dimensions of an actual bear would
not only fire him but beat the shit out of him.
#2
The other version involves reconnaissance,
slight of hand, and a cohort. What Phat and I would do was take an average
slice of cucumber, dip it in Ranch dressing, and try to figure out ways to
place it in Terlet’s apron from where he would grab pens to take orders at
tables. The rage that would be evident on his face when his hands came upon the
Ranch dressing was priceless, and makes me giggle like a schoolgirl to this
day. There were several wrinkles to our overall plan that we could employ when
Terlet would become “spooked.” One would involve the old “slap and run” where
one of us would slap Terlet and run and in that instant of rage the other would
slip the cucumber into his pocket. This had about a 50% completion rate.
Another includes the coaxing into a false sense of security by telling him he
was awesome because he jerks off to comic books or has the lead in the school
play and while in conversation one of us would slip the cucumber in. This was
usually the most dangerous because when he found out we were just amusing him
and stroking his ego to get that cucumber where we wanted it, the rage was
heightened to the level of The Hulk. Use these techniques at your own risk.
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