The Whore-O-Scope

We at Popular Irony, being men of science, are strong believers in astrology and it's powers over the everyday occurences of all of us.  But there has been some ignorant criticism over the cookie-cutter approach to astrological predictions that claim it is too general to bear any significance for such a wide demographic of earth's population.  So we have decided to initiate a new system with greater focus designed to give more specific insight into smaller populations.  So today we begin with our astrological fortunes for only those that share an occupation:  Prostitutes.  So for any that perform non-sexually-exploitative occupations please disregard the below predictions, but for those of us that sell our bodies please enjoy our Whore-O-Scope.

(Dec 22 - Jan 20) Clean out your bellybutton. The scientific community is unclear on whether or not you can get pregnant that way.  Plus it is filthy and smells awful.

(Jan 21 - Feb 18) You will receive a proposition from a rich man that mirrors the film "Pretty Woman"... if Richard Gere was an obese, wheelchair-bound sadist.

(Feb 19 - Mar 20) You will be faced with an exciting new career opportunity. Shortly thereafter any inclination to change occupations will be beaten out of you by Big T.

(Mar 21 - Apr 19) You will save $500 through a fortunate drunken trip in the stairwell. Congratulations on your fourth abortion. Your lucky number is 4.

(Apr 20 - May 20) An interesting skin condition will soon cause your market value to skyrocket within the fetishist community.

(May 21 - Jun 20) Avoid eating shellfish after handling fecal matter this week. Despite the lack of negative consequence in previous experience you will not regret this precaution.

(June 21 - Jul 22) Your reputation for squeamishness will deny you a new business opportunity. Train by watching crushing porn to avoid future loss of work.

(Jul 23 - Aug 22) Your recent training in self defense will pay dividends in an upcoming bachelor party. Stiletto heels will equate to a significant combative advantage.

(Aug 23 - Sep 22) A decision to learn magic tricks will greatly broaden your client base to include the pre-teen demographic.  Offering lollipops upon completion will ensure repeat business.

(Sep 23 - Oct 22) The prolonged economic recession will inspire you to offer bareback rates. An online medical image search will allow you to minimize exposure to occupational hazards.

(Oct 23 - Nov 21) The coma resulting from an upcoming wage dispute will have unintended positive consequences when you find you have overcome a cocaine addiction.

(Nov 22 - Dec 21) You will be treated to an impromptu family reunion after a chance encounter with an undercover police officer leads to swift incarceration.


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