Well it's time again to celebrate auto-erotica with this month's MEM, and we are sure to please with more exclusive content. This month we introduce a self-love relationship counselor segment with Dr. Lance Tenderman, explore the great moments in cinematic masturbation, and as always expand your technique with another installment of Diff'rent Strokes!
Tender Loving with Dr. Lance Tenderman
Greetings masturbation enthusiasts. I have joined ranks with Popular Irony to bring my relationship advice to the most common partnership in human sexuality, the individual masturbator. Allow me to attempt to describe your common masturbatory experience: Either early in the morning, or shortly before you go to bed you find yourself with an unexpected erection. You go into the shower and beat out a passionless utility ejaculation and clean up, slightly shamed at the experience and eager to put it behind you.
If this sounds like you then I can truly help make your sex life a more fulfilling and pleasurable practice. First, although sometimes one must rub out a quick one to get their head straight while on a long flight, or while stuck in gridlock rush-hour traffic, the majority of your jerks should be pre-planned and romantic experiences. The biggest indicator of a passionless relationship is a reluctance to look your partner in the eye.
My suggestion is to buy a full body-length mirror and position it in front of your recliner or bed, as your personal preference may vary. Give yourself a delicate rubbing, maintaining eye contact and coaxing yourself to near orgasm, only to draw back the friction to prolong the experience. Give it a good hour or so before allowing a gentle romance explosion. You will be glad you did, and I can assure you that your relationship with yourself will be a less shameful and more gratifying undertaking. Remember that if you aren't attractive and loving to yourself, you can't expect anyone else to be.
Cinematic Solo-Sensuality
Although the film industry has artistic license to cover any and all aspects of sexuality, it rarely displays the most common sexual interaction, masturbation. Here are the top 5 cinematic masturbation scenes to date, but be warned, these scenes all take the culturally-irresponsible route of reinforcing personal shame in the masturbator by making them the subject of ridicule and shame by being interrupted or caught "in the act".
Tommy Boy, 1995 - David Spade's character is interrupted while being attentive to his own needs while voyeuristically watching a woman at the pool in a motel. Chris Farley's character sees the woman, and comments "I bet she dates one of the... YANKEES!" Once again, the masturbator is chastised for a practice that we all share.
American Pie, 1999 - A teenage boy decides to broaden his masturbatory horizons by branching into the seldom-explored world of fucking baked goods. The object of his affection is the title's namesake, a delicious fresh baked pie. His father interrupts the act and has a long discussion with the boy, ultimately covering for him by telling his mother they ate the pie. This is the least offensive film scene to the common masturbator, although it hardly shows the practice in a positive light.
There's Something About Mary, 1998 - In this film the male lead is going on a date with his dream girl, and eager to avoid making foolish mistakes due to his sexual arousal while around her, takes a friend's advice and beat out a mind-clearing nut before the date. But immediately after he discovers that he cannot find the "leavings", which are discovered by his date, who presumes it is hair product and immediately applies the seed. This is a fair, humorous representation of the perils of the hasty-stroke.
Fast Times At Ridgemont High, 1982 - Perhaps the most famous masturbation scene ever filmed, the male lead is overcome with passion after seeing his dream girl in a bikini, he imagines her seducing him and decides to indulge in the bathroom. The object of his affection unexpectedly walks in, and gives an embarrassed look before making her retreat. This is the birth of the stereotypical shame spank scene in modern film. Ironically, this scene has inspired countless cock-beatings among adolescent males.
Black Swan, 2010 - This most-recent entry is also the only female masturbation scene in this list, and demonstrates how far sexual awareness has progressed in the film industry. The female dancer finds herself overcome with desire following a passionate interaction with a fellow dancer, and engages herself in an early-morning pleasure session that is expertly acted by Natalie Portman. In the middle of her act she notices the presence of a feared authority figure in the room, transforming her lust into terror in an instant. This scene is sure to be a long standing classic for future aspiring masturbators.
Diff'rent Strokes!
The Sawbuck - Pioneered by master magician Harry Houdini and recently discovered in a personal diary that the legend kept, this method is very mysterious, much as it's designer was. The erect shaft is seemingly split in two and separated, giving the masturbator a pleasurable and magical experience. The secret to this method is unknown, and should only be attempted by the most daring among us.
The Jitterbug - This method utilizes a widely-available technology for personal pleasure purposes. Simply setting one's cell phone to vibrate and strapping it to the underside of the dong, and then calling oneself repeatedly. "Sorry, I am unable to answer the phone at the moment"will become your motto. Just remember to wrap the phone up in a plastic bag first, since you are not going to be able to to give it a rinse after.
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