Let's Make Dinner!

Making delicious and exotic homemade meals is cheap and easy, and presents a great opportunity to express some creativity.  But you have to know the secret to putting a personal spin on your flavor creations.  That secret is condiments.  Always restock your condiment selection and you will never find yourself in need of diverse and exciting food.

Tonight we will be dining on another of my personal creations, Noodles 'N Shump.  You will need to have the following:

• 1 package ramen noodles (any flavor)
• 3 tablespoons ranch dressing
• 3 tablespoons barbecue sauce
• 1 tablespoon honey
• 1 tablespoon horseradish (hot)

Start by boiling the ramen as indicated, saving the flavor packet for a later step.  After cooking is complete, drain and let cool (Noodles 'N Shump is served at room temperature).

Using the the cooking pot, add the three tablespoons of ranch dressing.  Take a few moments to enjoy the viscous dripping of this fine, milky gravy.  You earned it.  No need to mix it just yet, we have more pretty colors to add!

Next add an equal amount, three tablespoons, of your favorite barbecue sauce.  Look at the beautiful contrast of the mahogany bbq with the creamy goodness!  If you are a man and are in public right now you may want to cover up.  You probably have an erection.

Ooh baby, look at that thick, sweet honey!  One tablespoon of that delicious insect ooze is going to bring the tangy factor on that barbecue sauce to overload!  Resist the urge to smash your face into the unfinished dish and mouth-fuck it to oblivion.  There is still more tasty on the way!

A big, heaping tablespoon of extra spicy horseradish will really separate the men from the boys.  A single whiff of this stuff would cause a six year old boy's testicles to drop so fast they would splatter like a shotgun blast down his legs.  You'll wish someone would bottle this stench.

Here's the first big payoff, the hand mixing.  Get your mitts wrist-deep in that bitch.  Don't be shy.  Get it all over.  Ten dollars bets you lick your hands clean before you make it to the faucet to wash them off.

Get that pile of mess into a bowl, we are almost done.  Go grab that packet of flavor seasoning that you grabbed out of the ramen package.  Pour it liberally over the top of your pile, seasoning to taste.

Garnish as you wish, be it for a romantic dinner for two, or just a self indulgence for the gourmet in all of us.  Pictured is my favorite garnish, just half an onion with a toothpick.  I ate mine with all the tenacity of a testosterone-injected wood badger.

This particular batch disagreed with me, and alas, I lost the meal.  I am sure this was an isolated incident and should in no way negatively impact your willingness to try the recipe yourself.  (Note the pubic hair lining the toilet bowl.  You're welcome.)