Making the Olympics Special Again

With great influence comes great responsibility, and we at Popular Irony have a rich history of giving back to the community.  Tonight we will do our part to help popularize one of the most heartwarming organizations the world over, the Special Olympics.  In recent years donations to keep the games going have been tepid at best, and critics cite the lack of broad appeal in a modern viewership on television.  We think we have a few ideas to make the Special Olympics a more exciting and profitable cause.  This will involve the introduction of several new events, which we detail here.

Stair Races:  An element of danger makes this event a crowd favorite.  Participants line up at the starting line atop a massive staircase ready to race their competitors to the bottom!  The catch?  Everyone must keep their hands firmly in their pants pockets at all times.  Only the most skilled and coordinated athlete can make it to the bottom unscathed!

Javelin Catching:  We plan to introduce a summer games favorite with an exciting twist!  Each competitor waits downfield from an able-bodied javelin thrower with the hopes of being the first to successfully catch a launched javelin!  The game ends with the first to make a successful catch being deemed the winner, or in the (likely) event of complete failure by all participants, the last athlete to be rushed to the hospital.

Synchronized Drowning:  Behold the wonders of artistic expression that these "special" competitors are capable of!  Between the pairs competition and the group event you will see a dazzling display of gags, screams, and flails all in amazing unison!  The winners are fished out after each round and scored by the panel of judges to determine which team gets the glory.  There is no second or final round, with zero allowable alternate athletes.

Long Distance Falling:  This game of risk and reward is a true favorite among polled viewers.  Each competitor is free to choose an altitude to compete from, weighing in the risk of the variable landing platform.  Soft grass?  Go big or go home!  Rough gravel?  Just make sure your ambitions are survivable!  Winner takes all, and the fates favor the athlete with the greatest balance of reserve and gaul. 

Child Rearing:  Perhaps the greatest life challenge adapted to a competitive format.  Each athlete is issued a live human baby and is released into the streets accompanied only by a camera crew.  This is the only event that spans the entire length of the Special Olympics, and culminates in the gathering of the participants for the final ceremony whereby they turn in the child they have been entrusted with.  Any surviving baby would be examined by a group of physicians, who would use the data along with the footage of the experience to announce a final winner, determined by either the lease injured child, or the longest surviving child.

And before you judge us for the heightened level of personal danger in these proposed additions, just remember that these athletes put the greatest effort of their lives into these events, and to cheapen them by considering the likelihood of injury or death is doing them a great disservice.  Thank you.