Dear Popular Irony,

I am a recently divorced father of one beautiful, wonderful daughter.  My wife of twelve years left me after a lengthy extramarital affair, and since she has a much better career and can provide a much better life for my daughter, I did not challenge her request for full custody.  I now greatly regret that decision.  My ex wife has turned my daughter against me to the point that she now refuses my phone calls and does not respond to my email.  I have no proof, but I am pretty sure my ex has been throwing away the birthday and Christmas gifts I have been sending.  And now I hear that she is planning to move halfway across the country and I may lose my daughter forever!  I have no way of preventing this without at least partial custody, and I am at odds with the situation.  Please help!

Floundering Father, Jacksonville FL

Dear Floundering Floridian,

The loss of a child-parent bond is one of the most tragic events in a family, and one of the most difficult problems to solve.  The longer the connection is cut the less likely it will ever be repaired, and it may be beyond saving.  The good news is that your daughter's estranged relationship can still be leveraged against your ex wife in a very satisfying vendetta setup.  

I have a suggestion that will ensure you ruin the life of your former soulmate, however you are going to need to accept the loss of your relationship with your daughter.  This means cutting off all contact with her and encouraging an environment that will allow her to forget about you entirely.  Considering you were married for twelve years, and have been divorced for at least one, I estimate the age of your daughter to be between 10 and 12 years old, give or take.  She should be able to completely forget about you by the time she turns 18, so you are going to have to play the waiting game.  Hire a private detective to keep tabs on your daughter, and have him contact you in the event your daughter becomes engaged to be married.  Then you must act quickly.

The detective should be able to give you a date and venue for the wedding, and no one will suspect that you would attempt to attend.  Rent a tuxedo and clean yourself up for the big occasion, and make sure to show up fashionably late.  Late enough to interrupt the ceremony in progress.  Come running down the aisle, getting everyone's attention, and scream the following:

"My darling daughter... I am so sorry...  The truth is that I am beside myself with shame!  I can't live with it anymore... I can never apologize enough for what I did to you... No father should ever...."

And then shoot yourself in the head in front of everyone.  Your daughter's fiancee would likely leave her at the alter, your daughter would certainly spiral into depression and visit a never-ending list of psychiatrists attempting to uncover repressed memories, and your ex wife would become suicidal over the guilt of being oblivious to horrifying abuse.  Point.  Set.  Match.