If I Were a Rich Man...

You might be looking at this post and thinking to yourself, "This isn't the kind of high-quality content that I have come to expect from Popular Irony. There aren't even any pictures... What gives?" Skyrim came out today. You bastards are lucky I took the time to post anything. So shut up and enjoy it.  -Hamtackle

I doubt that I am telling you anything you don't already know, but I am a white middle class male, and I have spent much of my time contemplating that classic capitalist fantasy "What would I do with a billion dollars?" Well, faithful readers, here is my detailed plan:

The first course of action would be to indulge my base needs. I would fly all the Iron Chefs to my home, invite my friends over, and we would all shout out random ingredients to create the most delicious original meals imaginable. After eating I would employ a small battalion of high end prostitutes to participate in turkish leftovers, bobbing for crabs, sweat races, and urban bellyflops. You might find yourself asking "You have a billion dollars, so you could have any woman you wanted. Why the prostitutes?" The answer is simple... prostitutes keep their mouths shut (unless you instruct them otherwise) and they fucking go home afterwards.

After a few days of these excesses I would turn my attentions to entertainment. I would hire every band on the billboard top ten to fly to my home (giant fucking log cabin mansion high in the Rocky Mountains) for a big show. After several delays I would feed them all a catered lunch laced with laxatives, then pull back the curtain to reveal The Rolling Stones. Then I would have them all kicked off my property. Fuck 'em.

Then I would get to traveling the world with my entourage of leeching friends. I would organize a series of challenges, such as breaking into teams of three to compete for highest tab in a fine Tokyo sushi restaurant (winner gets a domesticated chimp). We would also have a list of items to acquire from various countries around the world in a scavenger hunt. The item in the hunt that is worth the most points would be a human baby. The catch? You must buy the baby in an industrialized nation using only food as currency. Afterwards we would mail the child back to it's real parents. After all, I'm not a monster.

Then I would consider philanthropy. Briefly at least, before repeating the above cycle ad infinitum. Don't judge me for my selfish disregard of my current liberal principles, because I am just playing the wealth game by the rules. All this speculation about the rich life has given me empathy for the plight of the wealthy. I am the 1%!