Suicide Originals: Make Your Last Act A Thoughtful One

Some consider suicide the most selfish possible act, and if this is true then one might consider the likelihood of making the national news when selecting a method of ending it all. And if you are not a child or a really attractive white girl, then your only chance for widespread publicity is shock value. Here is one great way to give your obituary dynamite media appeal: The Tight-Rope Terror!

This method would be best achieved by first gathering the raw materials necessary, followed by a rather unpleasant two-day preparation process. You would need 80 feet of strong nylon cord, a bucket filled with cement, and 10 pounds of butter or margarine. I also strongly suggest documenting this with a laptop/webcam, as this will surely go viral. Cut the cord in half and inspect the ends to make sure it will not easily unravel. Melt the ends with a lighter if necessary, then apply butter/margarine to the first ten feet of one of the cords. Over the next two days you will be performing the unpleasant task of swallowing the rope, inch by inch, until you have a couple feet of slack coming out of the anus. You should find that you have roughly 30-35 feet traveling through the labyrinth of your intestines.

The nylon will resist deterioration from your digestive tract and remain very strong. Now channel your inner boyscout and tie the second cord to the loose bit in your trousers. The strength of your knots will mean the difference between a horrifying but quick exit, and a slow, agonizing death from internal bleeding or sepsis. Now checkout a room on at least the 7th floor, and make sure you will have access to a window. Setup the webcam with a clear view, and make sure the audio is on. Tie the cord from your mouth to the bed, and the other to your cement bucket (again, strong knots!) and chuck the bucket out the window.

The webcam should catch the bulk of your insides vacating your backside in about five seconds, creating a Jackson Pollock out of human shit and blood on the wall surrounding the window. The sound would be similar to a massive water balloon filled with thawed ice cream hitting hot pavement, peppered with nonsensical moans if genuine human anguish. But what an act of self-hate! I certainly do not have the minerals or mental disposition to be attempting this for myself any time soon, so I am sharing my creation with you all. See you on the Internet!