My Daily Dealings with the Demon

I intend to remain anonymous for reasons that will become clear in a few moments.  Basically I wanted to document the insanity that has taken over my life and left me questioning my mental health and religious faith.  It started with small symptoms that rapidly became unmistakably evil.  There can be no question now.  I am possessed by a demon.

I work a city postal route every day (please, no going postal jokes), delivering the mail as they say, “rain or shine”.   One day something far from routine happened.  When placing the rather common assortment of advertisements and coupons into one of the mailboxes something came over me.  I caught a glimpse of an elderly woman sitting on a porch, smoking a cigarette.  Without thinking I yelled “Hey granny!  If you can smile like a donut I can get it glazed for ya!”  Thankfully she did not hear, just looked confused and wav ed.  I dropped my mailbag and walked up to her porch, and continued “I SAID” unzipped my pants… “LOOK WHERE I PEE!”  With no shame I spun my flaccid member helicopter fashion inches from her wrinkled visage.

It is times like these that the demon lets me loose again.  It waits until I am in the most horrific position possible and then cackles in my ear as I retreat.  But luck protected me that time.  Not only were there no other witnesses, but the woman I flashed has made ridiculous complaints in the past.  Apparently she was investigated for animal cruelty two years ago when she shipped a dead dog to a pet store requesting a refund.

But so far my worst episode occurred just two months ago.  You see, the more relaxed I become the easier the demon takes hold.  When I asked out an obese single mother at my job I knew I was dealing with a sure thing.  Once in the employee lounge when no one was looking she stared at me from across the room while evacuating a twinkie of it’s creamy contents using only her tongue.  After we were cut off from the bar at the local Applebee’s we naturally made it to her place.  I don’t get laid often, and the demon did not miss the opportunity.

This is the first time I completely lost recollection of the incident.  The police claimed I arrived at the hospital completely naked, both nipples burned to nubs, and a pigeon skewered rotisserie-style on my still throbbing cock.  The doctors speculated that the nipples were burned with my missing car cigarette lighter, and treated the longitudinal gashes in my shaft left from the pigeon’s ribs.

After a few awkward lies given to the police they determined that it was probably a minor drug overdose, and did not investigate further.  I called my one night stand and she apparently had no idea about the incident, and in fact seemed quite pleased.  She just thanked me several times, and whispered “have you washed your hands yet?”. I hadn’t at the time, but I did immediately after.  Until I bled.

I understand that my medical records are protected legally, but I am concerned that the police report will make it to my employer.  I think I might be able to influence my attacks if I can sense them coming on.  Until I gain some control or cast out the filth inside me I will live every waking moment in terror.  Pray for me, friends.