Meet Your New President

Greetings, Americans.  Thank you for joining me to share this announcement with my friends and family.  I have spent my life dedicated to community service, and find the despair of the American voters calling me.  that's right, ladies and gentlemen, I am announcing today my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States of America!

Sadly, over the last decade I have seen the commitment to the values of the average American deteriorate to the point that none of the policies or interests that we all support are not even present in the political lexicon anymore.  All of this talk about debt, jobs, spending...  When will the fools on capitol hill start listening to us again?  I have your answer, America.  They will start listening to us RIGHT NOW!

So let me take this opportunity to square up with each voter, eye to eye, and let them know what I am going to do in my FIRST term as President.  My initial effort will be dedicated entirely to establishing a state level system of independant lobbyists.  These lobbyists will be funded by each individual city, with allowances for voluntary adustment in their tax code for adjustable support.  These lobbyists will represent the citizens of their district alongside the corporate lobbyists in Washington.  This will allow for variable financial support for federal policies by the people, something that is done at the corporate level, and should be done at the citizen level.

Marriage will be reformed in Hamtackle's America of tomorow. That nonsense causes too many problems. If two people want the benefits of legal union, then so be it. No exclusions, you don't even need to be in an intimate relationship.  The religious institutions are free to do whatever they want, but none of it is federally recognized.

I am also a strong advocate of a neutral immigration policy.  This is not to curb immigration from other countries, but to encourage it.  So long as any applicant for immigration is not a wanted criminal they would be allowed to become a citizen.  But for every incoming person we get to deport one person.  A democratic vote would select candidates for deportation within each city community.  These selected people would be entered into a draft, and if chosen would face a federal court to decide their fate after a fair trial.  If we want to get serious about becoming the world power we once were we need to get some asshoses off our back.  This is an excellent way of weeding them out.

I am eager to share my thoughts and policies on a wide range of subjects, and plan to extend this introduction to the American voter.  I will be attending the next republican debate on September 7 via twitter, and hope you all will be watching and getting ready for President Hamtackle!  Good evening, Americans.  And sleep secure in the knowledge that our country's leader is ready for the challenge.