The Legend of Benson Tucker

It would be foolish to look him in the eye.

Have you ever met Benson Tucker? You would know right away if you had. He is a beast of a man! In fact most other men stand about crotch-high on him. As a matter of fact you could shave using the reflection in his belt buckle, if you could climb up to stand on his boots.  But beware, the heat generated from his amble groin can melt plastic.

His shoe size is known only as "Benson Tucker" within the shoemaking community, and the man uses his bare hands to personally kill the six bison that it takes to supply the shoe leather. He pays no money for this or any other service or product. Not even vending machines have the balls to ask for payment.

He has fathered an unknown number of children, and reached sexual maturity at the age of three. It is common knowledge that his seed is so potent that when he climaxes any fertile woman within thirty yards is instantly inseminated. He produces only males, and their fetal testosterone levels are so high that if their mothers survive childbirth they are forever plagued by heavy beards.

Benson Tucker is a fine man, to be sure. He likes to drink a keg of beer with every meal. The entree is always one of his two favorites, live boar with hot gravel, or rusty razorblades stroganoff.  And don't ever interrupt him while he is eating.  One time the pope walked into the room while he was enjoying his boar and Benson Tucker put him through a cinderblock wall, dragged him down a flight of stairs, and then made him eat one of his own kidneys.  That is how Tucker became the Patron Saint of Childrearing.

Goddamn, look at the time!  I am supposed to bring Benson Tucker a quarter ton of raw steel.  You see he is the world's finest blacksmith, and the only man capable of hand-forging sixty foot steel girders.  He heats and molds the raw steel with his bare hands, and would sodomize me with my own severed spinal column if I were late.  I will have to introduce you to him some time.  Come to think of it, you own a flatbed truck right?  Maybe you could help me deliver Benson Tucker's custom-made athletic supporter?  It's a four man job normally, but I have a rope and pully setup...  I will give you a call Saturday, see you then!