A Hilarious Look at Suicide

Suicide is a terrible and cruel thing to do to your loved ones, but I can tell you this... no one ever regretted killing him/her self.  If you are universally hated, go right ahead, but if you have family and friends then you must be a self-centered asshole to die by your own hand.  If someone told me they were going to kill themselves I don't think I would do anything about it.  It is difficult to talk someone out of ending it all when you can't think of a good reason not to, and I generally feel that that kind of a personal decision is none of my business.  Consider this a disclaimer.

Now, for confirmation of some blatant prejudices about suicide.  First, consider this:  There are four male suicides for every female suicide. (CDC, AAS).  We all knew girls were attention-begging fakers.  Honestly ladies, how are we supposed to take your cry for help seriously if you never commit?  A few female favorites?  Cutting your wrists (superficially, of course) or taking a bunch of pills...then calling an ambulance.  Can we all agree to give these "flight for life" emergencies a few extra minutes of response time?  The girls need to boost their stats a little.

And for those of you who thought most suicides were committed by 17 year old emo males who were conflicted about their sexuality:  The highest suicide rate is among men over 85 years old: 65 per 100,000 persons.  There's not much funny there, but if you live with your Grandfather you may want to check the garage for running cars every once in a while.  I'm just saying.

But if you are serious about giving this thing a go, keep this stat in mind:  It is estimated that there are at least 4.5 million suicide survivors in this country. (AAS)  Holy fucking shit.  Lets just hope those were all the "call for help" variety, and not the "I'm pretty sure it's pointing at my brain stem" variety.  Take the extra ten minutes of planning time to choose a high percentage method. 

But for the all time champion, check out this wikipedia entry:

On February 12, 1933, a 21-year-old student, Kiyoko Matsumoto (松本 貴代子, Matsumoto Kiyoko^?), committed suicide by jumping into the crater of Mount Mihara, a volcano on the island of Izu Ōshima, Japan.^[1] This act started a trend in Japan and over the course of the year, 944 people (804 men, 140 women)^[2] leapt into the crater.

Human lemmings?...